And now the thrilling conclusion of the story of Major League Baseball as told through the most representative player/manager/owner of each team. (See parts I and II for the first twenty teams.)
Mr. Philadelphia Phillie
The Philadelphia Phillies are another team mostly known for losing, having the most losses in professional sports history, the longest losing streak (23 games) in baseball history in 1961, and in 1964 suffered a historic collapse to lose the National League pennant. I don't get the feeling they were lovable losers like the Mets or Cubs, though, they were just losers.
So it must have come as a great relief when the 1980 Phillies won the World Series for the first time in the team's 98 year history. And the unanimous MVP that year was Mike Schmidt. There are a lot of Phillies heroes with more personality, but Mike Schmidt was the one who represents them turning from losers into winners. He also had a handsome mustache.
Runners Up: Mitch Williams, John Kruk, Steve Carlton, the Phillie Phanatic, Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley, Roy Halladay, Richie Ashburn
Mr. Pittsburgh Pirate
This was a tough call between Honus Wagner's Ty Cobb-like dead ball era domination and Clemente's Jackie Robinson-like saintliness and importance for racial equality. Both players led their team to a memorable World Series. Wagner was the best player in the National League, one of the five original members of the Hall of Fame, and is on the front of the most famous baseball card in history. He put Pittsburgh baseball on the map. Clemente has a humanitarian award named after him, was the first Latin MVP, and had some sharp sideburns. (Facial hair is a major factor in all of these decisions.) Also, Paul Frank says, "They got streets named after him down there."
In the end, Honus Wagner was a better player, but Clemente is more of a legendary figure, and so when I think of the Pirates, his is the face that comes to mind.
Runners Up: Honus Wagner, Bill Mazeroski, Willie Stargell, Barry Bonds
San Diego Padres
The San Diego Padres excel at not bothering anyone. If they accidentally make the World Series, they are always nice enough not to win any games. Their logo has often been similar enough to the San Francisco Giants that people forget that the Padres are a different team, at the bottom of California, minding their own business for the last 43 years. Bruce Bochy managed the Padres for 12 years, but in my memory banks those years register as 12 extra years managing the Giants.
Tony Gwynn, similarly, is the type of Hall of Famer that mostly gets singles, flying under the radar by not hitting home runs or stealing bases or exhibiting outlandish behaviour. He's also by far the best player the Padres ever had. And his nickname was Mr. Padre, so... maybe George Brett wasn't the most obvious pick after all.
Runners Up: Ray Kroc, Dave Winfield, Dustin Padreia
Mr. San Francisco Giant
Say who? Say Hey Willie!
Runners Up: Barry Bonds, Tim Lincecum, John McGraw, Christy Mathewson
Mr. Seattle Mariner
If your hat is on backwards, you're playing video game baseball with your buds, the Mariners are a legitimate contender, and people are paying attention to the names of the shoes Nike is putting out, you are in the 1990s, and Ken Griffey Jr. rules. You are also a time traveller, and should stop farting around and go kill Hitler already.
Runners Up: Ichiro, Alex Rodriguez, Nintendo
Mr. St. Louis Cardinal
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| Daffy on the left, Dizzy on the right |
Now, if I asked a St. Louis Cardinals fan who Mr. St. Louis Cardinal would be, they would probably say Stan Musial, the legitimate face of Cardinals baseball.
But what a lot of people forget is that St. Louis used to be the far Western outpost of the baseball world, and that St. Louis is in Missouri, which has a lot folks living out there in the Ozarks who weren't known for accepting something without physical evidence, or for buying liquor from a store.
Dizzy Dean was from Arkansas, not Missouri, but it was close enough. He said things like 'slud' and was always hanging around with his brother. He was also a legendary pitcher, and won the MVP in 1934 while leading the Gas House Gang to a World Series title.
Stan Musial was a good baseball player, but he was from Pennsylvania, and his nickname was "The Man". If your nickname is "The Man", it indicates nothing about you except that your first name is Stan. If your nickname is "Dizzy", you've probably said and done some things other people would consider unusual, or you suffer from vertigo. Stan Musial also played the harmonica and the most colourful description on his wikipedia page is "consistent hitter." Boo. St. Louis and the Cardinals are more better than that.
Runners Up: Stan Musial, Albert Pujols, Mark McGwire, Pepper Martin
Mr. Tampa Bay Ray
I'm going to be nice to the Tampa Bay Rays and not think too much about their previous life as the Devil Rays. The start of Longoria's career coincides with the exorcism of 'Devil' from their name, and Longoria represents everything that is hopeful and youthful and successful about the franchise's recent years, from making the World Series in his rookie season to hitting the home run that put the Rays into the playoffs last year.
Runners Up: Joe Maddon, Carl Crawford, Dewan Brazelton
Mr. Texas Ranger
There are four teams who can claim part-ownership of Nolan Ryan's legacy, but today Nolan Ryan only owns one of those teams. Also, there is an Expressway in Arlington named after him, which is not true in New York, Anaheim or Houston.
It's funny that Ryan and the Rangers identify so much with each other when Ryan only played the last four seasons of his career in Arlington, but those four years are the years when Nolan Ryan became a superlegend, bringing his no-hitter total up to 7, setting lots of records involving strikeouts and being old, and punching Robin Ventura in the head.
Ryan is also associated, as club president and owner, with the Rangers
Runners Up: Josh Hamilton, Ron Washington, Ruben Sierra, Juan Gonzalez
Mr. Toronto Blue Jay
I know that, using modern statistical measures, Joe Carter wasn't very good, and if you look at it a certain way, it seems like he was actively trying to make the Jays lose.
I also know that Robbie Alomar is in the Hall of Fame, is probably the most talented Blue Jay of All Time, and was able to deliver a memorable performance in a juice commercial. He could catch the baseball and the taste like no one else.
But Toronto always believed in Joe Carter, that when the time came he would knock in those runs, and then when the time came and the Jays needed him most of all, he historically came through. It was Casey at the Bat with a happy ending.
Also, he really captured that the-eighties-aren't-over-yet-Fresh-Prince-puffy-track-suit early nineties style and attitude. And that's what Blue Jays baseball notstalgia is all about.
Runners Up: Roberto Alomar, George Bell, Jesse Barfield, Kelly Gruber, Roy Halladay, Carlos Delgado, Vernon Wells, Dave Stieb, Pat Borders
Mr. Washington National
Marquis Grissom was an all-star with a French sounding name during the magical season of 1994, when Les Expos were the best team in baseball (it said so on a banner they put up on their last day in Montreal). The strike of 1994 was like the Plains of Abraham, something the people of Quebec had stolen from them unfairly and they will always me souvien.
Anyway, Grissom left the next year and so did the Expos in 2004. They're the Nationals now, and in 2009 the Nationals hired Grissom as their first base coach. I could have picked a lot of players from the 1994 team, or even more from earlier eras who left Montreal to great fame and fortune elsewhere, but I picked Grissom because his name sounds French and he had a certain speed and elegance that seems very Montreal.
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