Official Platform for MLB Fan Cave 2012

by Dave Barclay

You guys, against the odds I recently became a Top 50 finalist for the MLB Fancave. Now I have to convince the kind folks of the internet to vote for me, with the final goal of putting me in a cave for the entire Major League Baseball Season to watch 2430 games and make sure they are all actually played.

With that in mind here is a full platform of what I promise to do and not do once elected to the MLB Fancave, covering all the major issues. If at any time you are convinced to vote for me, or you want to see a really well edited video, go here and look for me. (Look for a man in a bathrobe and a jays logo)

1) If elected to the Fancave, I will represent Canada and the Blue Jays with distinction and honour (there is one other Jays Fan in the running, and you can vote for both of us. Her name is Sarah Lever) I will do this by dropping the names of former prime ministers into everyday conversations ("I really Diefenbakered this air hockey game")

2) If elected to the Fancave, I will not reveal that I am a weird mutant penguin (see Oswald Cobblepot)

3) If elected to the top 30 finalists in Arizona, I will bring you back a Arizonian souvenir, like a baby cactus or gila monster.

4) If I continue on to NYC, I will bring you back a New Yorkian souvenir, like a broadway playbill or a slice of pizza that someone used as an ashtray.

5) During my Fancave campaign, I will not use a thirty foot poster of myself prominently featuring my double chin. (It didn't work for Citizen Kane)

6) In the fancave there's a crazy 3D map of north America featuring all the MLB stadiums. If elected, I will fill those little stadiums with even littler people made of toothpicks and embroidery floss.

7) If elected to the MLB fancave, I will have the ability to reach things on the top shelf, as I am above-average in height (6'3")

8) If elected to the MLB Fancave, I will maintain a cool demeanour around my favourite MLB players and other celebrities, and refrain from kissing them full on the lips.

9) If elected to the MLB Fancave, I will bring back the Montreal Expos. (Through expansion, don't worry Nats fans!!!1)

10) If elected to the MLB Fancave, I will fight any crime that wanders into the fancave with my bobby stick (see video)

11) I'll do whatever you want. I am that desperate/powerful.

Please vote early and often, and if you want to know more about me check out my podcast, Sunday Afternoon Baseball with Paul and Dave that I do with my good friend Paul Frank, or look at some of the other articles on this blog.

Yours,

Dave Barclay