If Wins Were Losses and Losses Were Wins: The Blorld Series Part 1

by Dave Barclay

Sometimes I like to imagine what a world would be like if mediocrity were celebrated instead of success.  We all know the story of the thrilling 2011 playoffs, but what if the standings were reversed, and we focused on those forgotten teams that regularly lose over 90 games a year? In that vein, I'd like to call attention to the outstanding losers from 2011 in a Bizarro World Series, or Blorld Series, where wins are losses and losses are wins, hot dogs and beer taste bad and everyone in the stadium eats salad and drinks tonic water.

Now, we can't just give the Blorld Series title to the Astros for having the most regular season losses, oh no. Just like the real baseball world, there had to be some postseason to shake things up and open up the possibility that the worst regular season team might not actually lose it all and have a backwards parade down Shame Avenue. But how did I create this tournament of ineptitude? By taking some regular season matchups between the big losing teams.

Here are the teams that would make the playoffs if wins were losses and vice versa:



AL East: Baltimore Orioles 93-69
AL Central: Minnesota Twins 99-63
AL West: Seattle Mariners 95-67
AL Wild Card: Kansas City Royals 91-71

All the American League Division Losers won their reverse divisions pretty handily, by at least 7 games, and the Royals kept the Athletics at bay for the wild card, finishing with a 3 game lead.

NL East: Florida Marlins 90-72
NL Central: Houston Astros 106-56
NL West: Sand Diego Padres 91-71
NL Wild Card: Chicago Cubs 91-71

The NL races were a lot tighter, with the Cubs losing to the Padres on the last day to clinch the wild card over the Pirates, the Padres having clinched the division by losing the day before.

That means the Division Series matchups play out this way:

Twins vs Orioles
Mariners vs Royals

Astros vs Marlins
Padres vs Cubs

To determine how these series play out, I selected games at random from the season series between the teams.* These games may have seemed meaningless and went unnoticed at the time, but in opposite world, the stakes for these games had never been higher.

Division Series


Twins vs Orioles

The Twins entered this series as the American League top seed, having put together a spectacular 99-loss  season fueled by injuries to its top stars and an imploded pitching staff, going from first to worst in classic Twins fashion. But we shouldn't count out the Orioles, who have been here plenty of times before. The last time the Orioles didn't make the sad playoffs was 2005, after which they achieved two bad wild cards and then four straight bizarro division titles. The Twins had to be wary of that veteran losing experience.

Minnesota opened its sad playoffs strongly when Michaal Cuddyer got hit by a pitch and had to leave in the first inning of Game 1. In game 4, Minnesota took the series in thrilling fashion, giving up five runs in the first three innings before clawing back to within a run. The series ended with a Denard Span screamer off of Kevin Gregg that Adam Jones caught to eliminate the Orioles from the competition, the Twins going on to further infamy.

Mariners vs Royals

The Royals are a losing superpower in decline, as a ton of promising young players indicate this might be their last year in the Blayoffs for a while. Meanwhile, the Mariners rode their extremely weak offense to their 2nd straight NL West title despite the efforts of Felix Hernandez and Michael Pineda to ruin everything by pitching well.

Kansas City made a bold move, giving their Game 1 start to a pitcher making his major league debut, Everett Teaford, but it blew up in their face as Teaford pitched five shutout innings. Strong pitching performances by Felipe Paulino and Bruce Chen eliminated the Royals with nary a peep, as the Mariners swept to the next round.

Astros vs Marlins

The Astros were the kings of losing this year with 106 losses, the most in the majors since the Royals in 2005. The Marlins were surprise losers, but lost their way to a division berth with injuries to key stars Josh Johnson and Hanley Ramirez. They were so embarrassed they changed their name to the Miami Marlins this year. Would the Marlins pull off the first upset of the blostseason?

Things looked bad for the Astros in Game 1 as J.A. Happ pitched into eighth and drove in two runs to win the game and give the Marlins early momentum, but it was all Astros from then on. Brad Hand won game 3 for the Marlins and was rightfully sent down to Double-A Jacksonville immediately after as punishment.

Padres vs Cubs

In a rematch of their thrilling season-closing series to determine the final playoff spots, the Padres hosted the Cubs. The Cubs haven't been in a World Series since 1945, but I have a feeling they've seen lots of Blorld Series action since then. After a blip in 2010, the Padres are back to being Blostseason contenders. With matching records, this could be the closest of the opening round series.

Chicago had the Padres against the ropes as the Padres kept shooting themselves in the foot, Mat Latos taking a no-hitter into the 6th inning in Game 1, and Will Venable hitting a grand slam in Game 2. The series went to Wrigley, the Grand Palace of Losing, with the Cubs needing one more loss to advance to the bizarro NLCS, but in Game 3 pinch hitter Tyler Colvin drove home Geovany Soto in the 10th off of Chad Qualls to prolong the Padres' season. The Cubs were able to put it away in Game 4, losing to the Padres 5-4. After the final out, the Cubs faithful erupted into raucous tears.

ALCS: Twins vs Mariners

In a battle of two teams who both play baseball, the Mariners took their travelling show of baseball ineptitude to Minnesota, hoping to 1-0 the Twins out of the playoffs. The Twins countered with their terrible pitching and sense of massive disappointment.**

It was a series for the ages, nearly worthy of the great Yankees-Red Sox ALCS of 2004. In Game 1 Doug Fister balked home the go-ahead run to give the Twins a 4-2 win and the Mariners the series lead. Game 2 featured more Mariner heroics. Here's the ninth inning as described by the Associated Press:

[The Twins'] Trevor Plouffe(notes) drew a two-out walk from Steve Delabar(notin the ninth and [Rene] Tosoni followed with a drive that hopped off the right-field wall. Plouffe slid home, easily beating the relay. The Twins poured out of the dugout and mobbed Tosoni near second base.

The Twins were probably trying to beat him to death for trying to ruin their cinderella run to the Blorld title. Despite Michael Pineda's domination in Game 3, the Mariners lost 2-1 and were just one loss away from playing for the oaken spitoon filled with used tobacco juice that is awarded the Blorld Champion.

But then things started to turn around for the Twins. They lost Game 4 by a score of 5-2, but then accidentally accrued a 7-4 lead through 7 innings in Game 5. But the Twins wouldn't give up on their dreams, giving away two runs in the 8th and another in the ninth. Then, in the 10th, Anthony Swarzak became a Blayoff Hero by giving up a sacrifice fly to Mariner Luis Rodriguez, and the Twins lost the game 7-8.

More nailbiting was to come back at Target Field. In an Epic Game 6, the Mariners' Mike Carp wore the goat horns, rapping out five hits, and the Mariners got off to an early lead. The Twins closed within a run, and then Superhero of Losing Brandon League managed to load up the bases with Twins with none out in the ninth. It looked like the Mariners would pull defeat from the jaws of victory. Then, in a gaffe of Bucknerian proportions, League got out of the jam by striking out one batter and grounding out two. The Mariners won the game and the series was tied at three going into Game 7.

Like many 7-game thrillers, the final game was a bit of an anticlimax. Minnesota let Seattle score 3 runs early on and then held on, the heroic whiffers of Minnesota never once crossing the plate. And with a 3-0 loss, the Twins were heading to the Blorld Series, having come back from a three game lead in epic form.


*I took home field advantage into account, so each blayoff game set in a certain stadium is actually a regular season game played between the two teams at that stadium.

**In a weird scheduling quirk, there was only 2 Twins-Mariners games in Seattle, so I had to take one of the six Mariners-Twins games in Minnesota for Game 5, which was supposed to be in Seattle.

Coming up in Part II: The Cubs-Astros NLCS and then the Blorld Series!!