If Wins Were Losses and Losses Were Wins: The Blorld Series Part 2

by Dave Barclay

When last we witnessed the saga of the 2011 Blord Series Blayoffs in Part 1, the Minnesota Twins had come all the way back from a 3-0 deficit, losing the last 4 games of the ALCS against the Mariners to advance to the Blorld Series. Meanwhile, in the National League, the heavily favoured 106-loss Houston Astros had easily taken care of the Marlins, and were facing the Chicago Cubs in the NLCS.

NLCS: Astros vs Cubs

The Houston Astros had achieved a team-record 106 losses in the regular season. They were a losing powerhouse, wizards of whiff, lieutenants of being lit up, the high kings of hopelessness. But when you travel down a road leading to baseball sadness and disappointment, that road has to go through the North side of Chicago. The Cubs had squeezed into the playoffs, but they weren't about to be squeezed out, dealing with the Padres in four games and losing themselves a trip to Minute Maid Park for an NL Central confrontation.

The two teams traded close wins in the opening two games in Houston, both let down by their reliable bullpens. Doug Davis matched Brett Myers in a pitchers duel in Game 3 at Wrigley Field, before Sean Marshall made the difference, giving up a go-ahead single to Michael Bourn with two outs in the seventh. The Astros struck back in Game 4 as the Cubs' Randy Wells, usually a reliable loser, won a game for the first time in over three months.

Game 5 was a pivotal one. The Astros went 0-for-14 with runners in scoring position, which prompted Astros manager Brad Mills to say, "at least we're putting ourselves in that position." The Astros had 1 run to the Cubs 2 in the top of the ninth, before the Cubs loaded the bases with a double and intentional walk. But then young Astro Jose Altuve saved the day by striking out, and Humberto Quintero grounded out to preserve the loss for the Astros.

In a fitting end, Josh Towers Award winner Carlos Zambrano* strode to the mound to try and save the Cubs' season by giving up a bunch of runs. Up against him was Wandy Rodriguez, the best pitcher on a bad squad. The pitching matchup favoured the Cubs, but Wandy Rodriguez exploded, allowing five runs in the first inning, and the Houston Astros cruised to maybe their first Blorld Series.

* If you don't listen to our podcast, the Josh Towers Award is for the worst pitching performance in a MLB season. Zambrano won it largely for going crazy and quitting.

The 2011 BLORD SERIES: The Minnesota Twins vs the Houston Astros

Featuring the top seeded team in each League, and also two teams that used to play in a dome, this Blorld Series had all the makings of an instant classic. In fact, because this is all taking place in my imagination, I will say that this series took place in the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome and the Astrodome, just because.

Of couse because of the dumb rule instituted by Major Laugh Blaseball commissioner Dud Selig, the series opens in Minnesota because the AL lost the All Star Game.

Also, the Twins and Astros didn't play each other at all last year so I've had to come up with a different way of deciding this. If the game was in Minnesota, I took one of the Twins' 81 home games from the 2011 season, and substituted the Astros in for the Twins' opponents. For games in Houston, I used one of the Astros' 81 home games. This gives the Twins a pretty significant home advantage, which makes sense because they played in the Metrodome, home of the biggest home advantage in MLB history. Here we go!

Game 1

Jim Thome cleverly strikes out.

The Twins opened the World Series, after much pageantry and the singing of the National Anthem by Michelle Bachmann, by losing 4 to 1 to the Astros. Ron Gardenhire was ejected for calling strikes and balls in the eighth inning. The Twins had their own Steve Bartman moment, as a fan interfered with Joe Mauer's attempt to catch a foul ball down the first base line. Moments later, Astros shortstop Clint Barmes crushed the ball into the seats and gave the Astros the lead. The fan in question was immediately given twin keys to the cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul. The Twins were on their way.

HOUSTON 4

MINNESOTA 1

MIN leads series 1-0

Game 2

Danny Valencia hits a game winning single, immediately regrets it.

The good news for the Twins in Game 2 is that through nine innings they managed not to score any runs. The bad news: rookie starter and Twins ALCS hero Anthony Swarzak didn't even allow a hit until the eighth inning. With Astros ace Wandy Rodriguez and Swarzak matching each other pitch for pitch, the scoreless game went to the bottom of the 10th inning, when Danny Valencia came to the plate with the bases loaded and blooped a single into center field for a walk-off victory.

"I kind of forgot we were trying to lose," said Valencia after the game. "I just saw that ball and wanted to hit it. But then when I saw how disappointed everyone was that we were farther from our goal of winning the Blorld Series, I got real down. I just wish I was worse at baseball than I am."

MINNESOTA 1

HOUSTON 0

(10 innings)

Series tied 1-1

Game 3

The series travelled to Houston, and into the eighth wonder of the world, the Astrodome. In the opening ceremonies, local legend Brewster McCloud flew around the Dome and then the Twins and Astros got down to the business of playing awful baseball.

Houston Outfielder J.B. Shuck is out at third. What an Astro.

Houston starter Brett Myers set the tone early, giving up a huge home run to Twins first baseman Justin Morneau to put three runs on the board for Minnesota. The Twins' lead ballooned to 5-1 in the third when first baseman Carlos Lee threw home in time to nail Morneau at the plate, but Houston catcher Humberto Quintero couldn't apply the tag in time according to the home plate umpire. The Twins were furious at the call going their way.

The ninth inning was a chess match, if chess involved throwing baseballs into the outfield and making poor baserunning decisions. With Twins' lead narrowed down to two, rookie outfielder J.B. Shuck tried to  end the game by hitting a piddly grounder to the feet of Twins closer Joe Nathan. Nathan countered by kicking the ball, then picking it up and throwing it past first base. Shuck wouldn't just accept the gift, however. He used his inexperience to try and take two bases, and was duly thrown out at third by the stunned Twins, in awe of the Astros' ineptitude. The Astrodome crowd melted into a giant pool of tears.

MINNESOTA 7

HOUSTON 5

HOU leads series 2-1

Game 4

Brett Myers, exhausted from being bad at baseball.

To win the Blorld Series, you have to find a lot of different ways to lose. in Game 4, the Astros showed the Twins what losing was all about.

Over the first four innings, the Twins were cruising, having awarded the Astros a 6-0 lead and seemingly on their way to tying the series at 2. But then Brett Myers leapt into action, giving up two different two-run home runs to Michael Cuddyer before leaving in the sixth.  

The Astros' Wilton Lopez came into the seventh and immediately gave up three straight singles. A walk and an out later, Ben Revere was up for the Twins with two on and one out, with Danny Valencia on third. He saw the pitch he wanted and knocked a dribbler back to the Lopez, who threw home and hit Danny Valencia in the back. Valencia ran over Quintero, who fell to the ground with an ankle sprain, and another Twins run came in to score, giving Minnesota a 7-6 lead they would keep for the rest of the game.

"Wow!" said Twins manager Ron Gardenhire after the game, "that was the worst baseball I've ever seen. They gave up a six run lead in just the most excruciating way possible. I stand in awe of their ability to lose baseball games." 

Heading into Game 5, the Astros were only one loss away from owning the worst trophy in sports.

MINNESOTA 7

HOUSTON 6

HOU leads series 3-1

Game 5

Carlos Lee brings out his special losing bat.

After losing 106 games during the regular season and then 10 more during the blayoffs, the Astros were ready to spray each other with tears mixed with tobacco juice and go down in history as 2011's worst team. All they had to do was lose one more time to the hapless Minnesota Twins.

Nelson Figueroa, the worst starter in the Astros rotation, answered the call, giving up five runs in only four innings. The Astros offence did their part, stranding twelve runners and keeping their offenive output to four runs. Joe Inglett was the Astros player of the game, going 1-for-5 and stranding 8 runners all by himself. In the end it was Inglett who struck out on three pitches to end the game, and he was mobbed by his teammates at home plate. 

MINNESOTA 5

HOUSTON 4

HOU wins series 4-1

After being awarded the Blorld Series LVP, Humberto Quintero briefly addressed the Houston faithful.

"I may have won this awful award, but really this award goes to the entire Houston Astros franchise. From top to bottom, we all did a terrible, terrible job this year. And most of all, I want to thank you, the fans. You are the worst."

The Twins hung their heads in shame. After going from first to worst and coming out of nowhere to vie for the Blorld Series title, it was disheartening to not even be the best at losing. "It was kind of a cinderella story, if you take out the part of the story where all those good things happen to Cinderella, and instead she falls down a flight of stairs and breaks every bone in her body," said the Twins' ace pitcher Carl Pavano. "I know losing, from a personal and from a team standpoint. Our team was something special this year. But wow, I really gotta tip my cap to those Astros."

Most Blorld Series fans agree that they will be seeing the Astros again in the future, as they are a franchise with little hope for the future and about to undergo a disorienting transfer to the American League from baseball's worst division. Congratulations, Astros! You did it!