And now part two of the alphabetical journey through major league baseball, where we discover which player best encapsulates the qualities of each franchise. (Here is Part One)
Mr. Houston Astro
For some teams, it's difficult to pick a representative player because there are so many options. And some teams, even though they have been around as long as the Mets have and have found nine players to retire the numbers of, can never escape the shadow of their super flashy uniforms and space-age stadium. Okay one team.
What do I know about Craig Biggio? That he was a Houston Astro and got 3,000 hits. Which is one more thing than I know about any other Houston Astro. (With the exception of Nolan Ryan. But he clearly has affiliated himself with the Texas Rangers.)
There's just something about Houston which swallows players' identities. People may think Jeff Bagwell is having a hard time getting in the Hall of Fame because of steroid suspicion, but the real reason is that no one is 100% sure Jeff Bagwell played in the majors.
It is true that Roger Clemens led them to the World Series that one year, but as I mentioned in the Chicago White Sox section, that World Series doesn't count because the Houston Astros were in it. Also, that wasn't really Roger Clemens, because by that time in his career the steroids had taken over his body like Venom in Spiderman 3.
Runners Up: Jeff Bagwell, Lance Berkman, J.R. Richard, Nolan Ryan, Roger Clemens, Roy Oswalt, all other Astros players, the Astros' many uniform designers but especially the advertising firm of McCann & Erickson, the Astrodome, Enron
Mr. Kansas City Royal
This is the easiest one of all 30 teams.
A. George Brett is super cool
B. The Kansas City Royals have only been relevant when George Brett is on the team. That is literally true. They've had 3 winning seasons without him on the team (and one of those times, in 1994, they stopped playing partway, probably because George Brett wasn't there), and only 6 losing seasons with him.
Brett was at the centre of all the Royals' moments of glory, from their two World Series appearances to the late seventies when they were always playing the Yankees in the ALCS to the pine tar incident. Remember when he ran out of the dugout all yelly and mad? That was the best.
Runners Up: Bo Jackson, Bret Saberhagen, the fountains at Kaufman Stadium
Mr. Los Angeles Angel of Anaheim
The Angels are another team that has eluded relevance for much of its history. I am also convinced that the Angels fan base is primarily made up of children, a belief supported by the fact that Disney used to own the Angels, the film Angels in the Outfield, and the fact that the fans are led by a magic monkey who tells them when to cheer.
Despite all that, Mike Scioscia came in 2000 to give the Angels an identity, which is Angels baseball. Angels baseball involves running from first to third and Chone Figgins playing all the positions and having a different glove for each one. Scioscia won the world series, made the playoffs six times, and I can easily invision Mike Scioscia walking around Disneyland with five children, a fanny pack and a Richard D's ice cream bar.
Runners Up: Rod Carew, Albert Pujols, Chone Figgins, Dave Spiwack (the starting pitcher from the film The Naked Gun)
Mr. Los Angeles Dodger
There's a lot of great Dodgers, but only one of them broke the colour barrier, which is why no one can wear 42 except Mariano Rivera (and everyone on Jackie Robinson Day). Since the Dodgers were brave and good enough to sign Robinson, everyone has to like the Dodgers a little bit (except racists). The Dodgers tested this theory by abandoning one of baseball's most storied boroughs to move to Hollywood. The test was a success - I still like the Dodgers, just a little bit, because of Jackie Robinson.
Also, Jackie Robinson stole home every game.
Runners Up: Duke Snider, Sandy Koufax, Tommy Lasorda, Vin Scully, Manny Ramirez
Mr. Miami Marlin
Kevin Brown was an all-star pitcher who signed with the Marlins for a boatload of money, he pitched amazingly, got a no-hitter, helped the Marlins win the World Series in his second year, and then was traded to the Padres so the Marlins wouldn't have to pay him a boatload of money any more. This is the quintessential Marlins experience: big money, World Series, trade everyone away. The Marlins are due to win the World Series in 2013, and afterwards they will trade away Jose Reyes, Mark Buehrle, Hanley Ramirez and Josh Johnson.
Runners Up: Jeff Conine, Mike Piazza, Ivan Rodriguez, Jose Reyes, Hanley Ramirez, Jeffrey Loria
Mr. Milwaukee Brewer
Look, stupid- to be Mr. Milwaukee Brewer, you gonna need three things:
1. You gonna need a handsome mustache
2. You gonna need to have been one 'a Harvey's Wallbangers in 1982.
3. You gonna need to have a last name that don't make sense, like Gantner or Sveum.
A lot of Brewers qualify on two of those counts, but nobody has all three except RobinYount. It also helps that he was historically the best Brewer at baseball, and he wore the ball & glove logo with dignity and respect.
Runners Up: Bernie Brewer, Ted Higuera, Jim Gantner, Jim Bouton
Mr. Minnesota Twin
Maybe if the Minnesota Twins had kept a link to their past by calling themselves the Minnesota Senators, Walter Johnson would have a chance at this spot.
But when the Senators moved to Minnesota, they made everyone forget about Washington and moved into a weird dome, which unexpectedly took off into outer space. There was much infighting amongst the travellers and cannibal gangs would roam the outfield. But a ragtag bunch of misfits came together under the guidance of a short man with no neck and a great batting average, and they destroyed the cannibal gangs and won two World Series. Then they went back outside and became a normal baseball team again. You can't unremember such events. This is the legend of Kirby Puckett.
Runners Up: Harmon Killebrew, Walter Johnson, Joe Mauer
Mr. New York Met
I could have given this to Tom Seaver, or Gary Carter. But the fact is I constantly mix up Tom Seaver and Jim Palmer. And Gary Carter was a great player, but he didn't represent the coked-up 1980s Mets all that well. The Mets are known for their miraculous win in 1969 and the 1986 win that Bill Buckner awarded them, but those teams aren't as legendary as the World Record Holders for Losing, the 1962 Mets.
The most infamously bad player on those Mets was Throneberry, who was a bad hitter and worse fielder. But instead of Carl Pavanoing him out of town, all the Mets fans loved him and started a fan club in his honour. That's the difference between Mets fans and Yankees fans. Yankees fans expect to win. Mets fans expect to see some people play baseball.
Runners Up: Tom Seaver, Gary Carter, Keith Hernandez, Mike Piazza, Bernie Madoff, Jerry Seinfeld, Mr. Met (the mascot)
Mr. New York Yankee
Babe Ruth isn't just Mr. Yankee, he's Mr. Major League Baseball, up there in the pantheon of stars who were greater than their sports: Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and the Superbowl.
Babe Ruth did two things that changed baseball forever and are still happening:
1. He made home runs a thing.
2. He made the Yankees a thing.
He also invented the sport of elevator racing/hot dog eating contest. Barely anyone still alive has seen him play, and he's still the most famous baseball player in the world. (Quick check: A-Rod vs Babe Ruth. Babe Ruth. Pujols vs Babe Ruth. Babe Ruth. Yes, Babe Ruth always wins.)
You can keep Joe DiMaggio's dignity, Mickey Mantle's forearms and Derek Jeter's um, popularity. The Babe is the only Yankee I'll ever like.
Runners Up: Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantle, Derek Jeter, Don Mattingly, George Steinbrenner, A-Rod
Mr. Oakland Athletic
Of all the franchises in Major League Baseball, the hardest to summarize is the Athletics. They've played in three different cities (and are working on #4), they've had the highest payroll in baseball and the lowest, they have the third-most World Series titles (9) but they've come in last place in the American League 24 times.
As interesting as some of the players on the Athletics have been, they always took a back seat to the way the team was run. After the Athletics left Philadelphia they became essentially a farm team for the Yankees in Kansas City. Then they went to Oakland and were owned by Charlie O. Finley, who was crazy (and successful) and made the Athletics wear handsome gold uniforms. They were managed by one of the most respected managers of all time, Tony La Russa, before their most recent reincarnation, the team of Billy Beane and Moneyball.
The only person that can link these themes together is Connie Mack, who was both the owner and manager of the Philadelphia Athletics for fifty years. He has the most managerial wins (and losses) in baseball history, he was frequently out of money and had to sell all his players, he won the World Series five times, he came in dead last seven years in a row, and he looked awesome in his suit and bowler hat.
Here's a quote from Connie Mack:
"The best thing for a team financially is to be in the running and finish second. If you win, the players all expect raises."
That's pretty Moneyball right there.
Runners Up: Rickey Henderson, Charlie Finley, Jose Canseco, Billy Beane, Scott Hatteberg, Frank "Home Run" Baker, Jimmie Foxx, Lefty Grove, Reggie Jackson
Part 1 covers the Arizona Diamondbacks - Detroit Tigers
Part 3 continues with Philadelphia Phillies - Washington Nationals
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